


A goodbye to childhood

by A201k



Category: No Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:48:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29609661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A201k/pseuds/A201k
Summary: This isn't a story so much as a place to write out things that are in my head. I don't really want anyone to read it. It's for me. Merely an outlet to get my thoughts out. It can be depressing, more often than not. And me whining as well. At some points, I even talk like a child. This is my choice. As this is the internet, no one knows who I am. So there will be things in here that are alarming to some. I may not be happy with my life, but I'd never kill myself. Even if I do think about it a lot. That is the way of things. This is mostly as a warning so that I don't end up in a padded cell with needles shoved into me to make me 'happy'. If I ever decide to write an actual story, it certainly won't be this one. Thank you.





	A goodbye to childhood

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't a story so much as a place to write out things that are in my head. I don't really want anyone to read it. It's for me. Merely an outlet to get my thoughts out. It can be depressing, more often than not. And me whining as well. At some points, I even talk like a child. This is my choice. As this is the internet, no one knows who I am. So there will be things in here that are alarming to some. I may not be happy with my life, but I'd never kill myself. Even if I do think about it a lot. That is the way of things. This is mostly as a warning so that I don't end up in a padded cell with needles shoved into me to make me 'happy'. If I ever decide to write an actual story, it certainly won't be this one. Thank you.

I've thought about dying numerous times. Yet each time, it's like a drug. I am addicted to the feeling of it. Thinking about it. How would it happen? Would someone stop me? How long would it take someone to notice that I was no longer among the living? Would anyone even care? Would it change anything? Would I finally feel better than I do now? So many things to think about. 

Is it depression? I do not know. I've never been officially tested. It's possible I suppose. I have contemplated going to the doctor and getting tested. Perhaps they would be able to help me. Have a special medicine for me that would make me 'normal'. 

I feel so stuck in my own head. Like the words I want to say are just locked away. I hide it pretty well at work because I rarely stop talking. But that is taking its toll. I want people to think I'm normal. But I doubt I've ever been, by any stretch of the imagination. 

I never got to have a mum and dad who were together and loved each other for very long. I don't have any memories of it now. He left when I was in what, first grade? Mom remarried, I've always wondered if she'd done it for my sister and me, rather than for her own sake. The 'trial' period was very short. He was 10 years older. And while he was somewhat nice, he was not my dad. I never felt like he was, either. He had a son my age. Adopted very young. Military man. 

At first, things were going well. He had money so the problems of not having much for food and necessary things more or less went away. Then they got married. I had a new brother, but instead of a baby, he was four months younger than me. We were always compared. 

I had wanted, to be like my dad so much. But he wasn't around. And so I thought, maybe my new dad would let me help in the garage like I used to with my dad. He let his son help him. And he was four months younger than me. 

I tried so hard to be good. I wanted my new dad to love me since my dad didn't like me anymore. My baby sister seemed to adjust better than I did to this new dad. And my new brother, he was kinda cute. But he seemed to like my younger sister better than me. He was so tiny. And she was tiny too. Me? I was too big. After a while, he and my cousin became good friends. And my sister and my other cousin were close too. 

But that left me all alone. I wasn't a boy, so my brother and male cousin didn't want me to join them in 'boy things'. And I was too old, so my sister and female cousin didn't want me to join them either. 

That was ok though. I was used to being alone. 

My daddy came back and my sister and I got to see him four times a month. My new dad didn't like him at all. And they would rarely talk, but sometimes they would stare at each other with mean faces. And then, sometimes my new dad would look at me with a mean face too when I would get home. I wanted him to like me. But I think I looked too much like my dad. So he put up with me. Because he wanted to be with my mom. At least he still kinda liked my sister. She was more like mom anyway. It made sense. After all my sister and brother liked our cousins better than me. And my two cousins liked my brother and sister better too. 

Mom and dad had to go to a place and fight for custody. Eventually my dad got to see my sister and I for a little bit. Every other weekend. He'd come to pick us up. And we'd go on an adventure. But my sister could only go if I was with her. I knew that he didn't have much money. He didn't have much food either. So he'd use what little he did have to buy us food. He'd always say that he wasn't hungry. Sometimes, he would have my sister and I share our food instead of us each getting one. And still, he wouldn't have anything to eat. That made me sad. 

Some times he would say that he couldn't make it to come get us. I'd wait on the porch a long time. I'd wait and wait. Then my mom would come outside and say, he isn't coming. So I would go back inside. He didn't really want us that much. I thought. and my new dad didn't like me either. He worked at a job that went far away. And when he got home, he was always tired and had a mean face for me. I missed my dad. 

My dad had a new girlfriend sometimes. And he'd introduce us to her. I knew that he wanted to have a new mommy for us like we had a new daddy at home. He was very lonely. I tried to know if they were nice enough to be a new mommy for us. My sister didn't understand because she was too small. I tested them. To make sure they loved my dad. Sometimes when we would go see him the next time, they weren't there anymore. I think they didn't like that I tested them. So they went away. 

My dad would take us to his friend's house too. He had lots of different friends. There was one place that his friend had a weird smell in the house. It made my head hurt a lot and I would have to lay down. I didn't want dad to know I didn't like it. Because he loved his friends. I wanted him to be happy. They would go outside and smoke cigarettes together and laugh and talk about grown-up things. 

I was usually bored, but I was happy that I got to spend a little bit of time with daddy. I loved him a lot. 

We would go to the store and dad would get things for my sister. He had lots of coins and he'd play the claw machine. He was the best at it. But it would take a lot of coins to get one. So usually he would get one for my sister and say next time it would be my turn. But it was always a long time until he had enough coins for next time. And by then, he would forget who's turn it was for a toy. That was ok. I loved my sister a lot. And she was always so happy to have a toy. I didn't want to take it from her. I had to protect her. So I didn't care that I didn't get anything. 

We would get foodstuffs sometimes and dad would try to have enough bills of money and some coins to get us food. I would tell him I wasn't that hungry, so he would get some for my sister instead. I knew. I knew he was hungry too. But he rarely ate anything. If daddy would lie about that, then I would too. I'd tell him to have some of my half. Because I was full. Even though it looked yummy. Poor daddy. He wanted so badly to make my sister and I happy. So I would pretend. Because it made him happy. And I loved him a lot. He was lonely and hungry and tired. I just wanted him to smile. 

Daddy had a new mommy for us. And she was nice! She had long pretty hair. And would sing to us. We even had a house! With a big room upstairs. And a bed. We got a kitty. and Bunnies. And a doggie too. I wanted to live with them. I loved my mommy at home a lot too. But she had my new daddy and he didn't like me. Mommy would be happy if I wasn't there. I wanted to ask. But what if she said no? So I waited and waited. 

My sister had a birthday, so my dad had taken us to Chuckie cheese. We had pizza and she got to play a lot of games. Because it was her birthday. I got to play a little bit too. But next year it would be my turn. I'd get to go for my birthday too! I was so happy. But then...

My new mommy died. I remember. I was in my room, and my real mommy came back and said that she was dead. A drunk driver killed her. I was very sad. My daddy would have no one to keep him company now. He didn't come to get us for a long time. I wish I would have asked to stay with them. So maybe my new mommy would still be alive. I wished it was me that was dead. So then my daddy would be happy with my new mommy. 

I promised that I would never drink. It was poison anyway. And that poison was what took my new mommy away from daddy. I missed her a lot. And daddy was sad. The house was taken away. and daddy, he was very sad. He didn't talk to us that much anymore. Our kitties had to go away. But my sister's kitty was allowed to stay. He was an orange kitty. A big one. But my kitty was not allowed. She was really soft and fluffy. She had pretty grey fur. And she had babies! So dad said she had to go somewhere where she could stay with her babies. I never got to see her again. 

My dad's mom was ok sometimes. At her house, we could sometimes stay overnight. But his step-dad, he was mean. I didn't like him. He never liked me either. So I'd stay away. He didn't want me to laugh to talk loudly inside. And there wasn't anything to do outside. There was a computer inside. And I liked it. It had games on it and there were stories on the internet that I liked to read. We didn't have the internet at home. So I'd ask if I could read the stories there instead. 

I had a little jump drive that could hold lots of stories. I loved reading. And so I'd get the stories and save them. Then I would read them when I got home. But my grandpa didn't like that. Even though I was really quiet. He would tell me that I was fat. and needed to go outside. But there was nothing to do outside. And there was no one to play with. I didn't know anyone, and it was a little bit scary to be away from daddy.


End file.
